#OscarsSoWasted: Pointless Oscars Predictions

Tonight, Oscars night, is my favorite night of the year. It’s one of the few pointless things I hold dear in this life. Each year, I turn down viewing party invitations in order to snuggle up in my bed and watch The Oscars alone. I must hear and see every crucial moment (and all Oscars moments are crucial), and I mustn’t be distracted, not even for a moment, because on Oscars night, so much can happen in a moment. This is a ritual. And tonight will be no exception. I love everything about the Oscars, even the parts I hate. Like the red carpet pre-show where dummies ask movie stars questions about stuff that has nothing to do with the reasons they’re there. Good god, I hate it, but I watch that shit from start to finish! Or the post-Oscars show where a bumbling (yet somewhat adorable) Maria Menounos tries to force conversation with whatever helpless celebrity stops to greet her. But the real action happens during the awards ceremony, or more specifically, the commercial breaks. I live for the quick captures of actors and directors I admire schmoozing with one another. I LIVE FOR IT. And the awards are great too, as long as some asshole actor doesn’t use the podium as an opportunity to so narcissistically congratulate his/herself via a long-winded tale fully equipped with life lessons (looking at you, McConaughey). It is because and in spite of these moments that I love the Oscars and would rightfully consider myself an Oscars fanatic. That being said, I think I’m just as qualified as any Entertainment Weekly columnist to make predictions about what the night will hold. But these predictions won’t tell you who’ll be best-dressed or take home the most coveted awards of the night — that shit is boring and pointless and I’m no Miss Cleo. Big picture, these predictions mean nothing but they do encourage you to drink in celebration of all of the glory that The Oscars hold in their little, golden hands. So fill your glasses, ladies and gentlemen. The nominees aren’t even allowed to drink at this one (this isn’t the Globes, after all) and most of them will go home empty-handed. But for us, ah yes for us, The Oscars will be magic.

Giuliana Rancic will ask at least 5 celebrities an awkward question on the pre-show and will then do everything in her power to fix it, even if it means sacrificing herself on the red carpet as a distraction. *Take a sip of your Oscars champs for each awkward question up to 5 awkward questions. After 5 awkward questions, stop, because it’s going to be a long night.*

Ryan Seacrest will wear his own brand, Ryan Seacrest Distinction, along with a pleased-with-himself grin. *Take a sip every time Ryan name-drops his brand. Take 2 sips every time he appears to be overly-pleased with himself.*

We’ll spend 2 hours watching the E! Network just to find out who they’re wearing even though it’s the most absolutely inconsequential fact of the evening. *Finish your flute every time an actor takes an Oscars dump on ideas the people at E! have been thinking up for months.*

Chris Rock will not be Ellen Degeneres. *Take a shot every time Chris Rock references #OscarsSoWhite because… that’s a thing… and nobody’s fixed it yet, so let’s just get drunk.*

Alicia Vikander will be both gracious and stunning but we’ll still have a hard time believing she’s not definitely a robot on a mission to destroy us all. *Take a sip every time Vikander appears on screen… ya know… to ease the fear.*

We’ll spend all night trying to decide whether we love Kate Winslet or Cate Blanchett more. *Take a sip every time it just pops into your mind that you wish you could be best friends with either Kate/Cate. (I’m still wasted from doing this last year.)*

We’ll all question how and why The Martian was nominated for an Oscar, even me, who hasn’t seen it. *Take a shot for each Bourne movie you’ve seen. Take another shot for each Bourne movie you’ve liked. We’re not to acknowledge The Martian at this time.*

Brie Larson and Jennifer Lawrence will have a girl-next-door-off which will result in hugs because, like, they’re so relatable, right?! *Take a sip every time you doubt the sincerity/sweetness of either leading lady but still vow to love them for the rest of eternity anyway.*

Mark Ruffalo will make a “Feel the Bern” reference at some point. *Take a sip if it happens. Take a sip if you think Mark Ruffalo may be a time-traveling past version of Bernie Sanders. Take a sip if you’d still sleep with Mark Ruffalo even after he admitted to having a tiny dick.*

Someone or everyone will mispronounce Saoirse Ronan’s name after literally hours of practicing it. *Take a sip any time someone says Saoirse’s name either correctly or incorrectly, because they tried… they really tried.*

Rooney Mara will lose the Oscar on account of her longing looks in Carol being not quite longing enough. *Take a sip every time Rooney Mara looks like she’d rather be anywhere else… literally ANYWHERE else.*

When Leo DiCaprio inevitably accepts his Oscar, we’ll notice that his face is a little bit off and he sort of speaks out of the side of his mouth but we’ll still all go on and on for weeks about how gorgeous and talented he is. *Chug right from the bottle when Leo finally wins his first Oscar because everything is now right and just in the world. If he loses, finish the bottle because FUCK EVERYTHING YOU’RE ALL MONSTERS.*

The night will come to a close and we’ll be left with nothing but the unfortunate truth that tomorrow at work, we’ll need to talk to co-workers we don’t like about what we thought of The Oscars. *Finish whatever’s left on the table. Monday awaits.*