In light of last weekend’s events (i.e. the Super Bowl), I really got to thinking about what it means to be a girl in this world. (Cue No Doubt and female rage now.) On a narrow, astonishingly ignorant spectrum, girls can fall into one of two categories: a classic lady or guy’s girl. Our male friends place us into these categories when they decide which of us is right to invite to a baseball game when they get last-minute tickets from work, and we do it to ourselves when we revolve our worlds around making sure both sexes see us as agreeable and adaptive. I am no less guilty of this than any other girl. I’ve built my entire style around androgyny and have said on more than 131 occasions that I relate better to men than to women. But that doesn’t mean that I’m unaware of my own hypocrisy, because I also like hanging out with my girlfriends. I enjoy the conversations we have and when I’m at a wine tasting with them, just like when I’m watching wrestling with the guys, I feel like we relate on a very real and honest level. This isn’t always the case, but I couldn’t say that it happens any less than it does in my encounters with the opposite sex. There are far too many of us who so delusionally believe that our male friends should cherish us for our chill attitudes and affinity for typically masculine activities when the truth is, the only ones we’re fooling are ourselves. So as a tribute to all of those gals trying so hard to make everyone believe they’re one of the guys, I give you: You’re Not the Only Cool Girl.
Dear Self-Defined “Cool Girl,”
You are not cool because you watch sports. Sports are for everyone. And I know saying, “Sports are for everyone,” is like saying, “Racism doesn’t exist,” because even though it’s true in some cases, many people still believe the sports world is a man’s world (just like, fucking obviously, racism exists). But the bottom line is, any girl can enjoy a sporting event just as much as any guy can. I’ve watched teams I’ve never seen before play in games I’ve never liked and still gotten so into it I’m cheering, sweating, grunting, and feeling that nervous feeling in my stomach because it’s just too close to call. And even though in high school, I rocked bitches, pushing basketballs into their faces after they’d made the extremely poor decision to come in my lane, I was still a blonde chick who wore band tees and makeup. So just because you throw on a backwards cap and a form-fitted jersey and speak in sports lingo does not make you one of the guys and it doesn’t make you cooler than any other girl. It just makes you, like, a fun person in general. Big congrats on being fun.
You are not cool because you like beer. Beer is great. Beer is like bread. There are so many variations of it and every last one is so goddamn delicious you can sometimes hardly imagine your life without it at this point. These days, drinking craft beer and visiting beer festivals and breweries is almost as common an activity as seeing a film. So darlings, do me a favor and get off of your high horses and come back down to earth so you can hear me better. Okay, now that you’re down safely, I’ll go on… Just because you can talk beer with the best of them, flip cups like a champ, and drink your male friends under the table doesn’t mean you should go around town acting like your body houses both reproductive organs. Beer is for the masses and it’s no badge of mannish honor that you happen to enjoy it too. (Please note: The same applies to whiskey. Brown liquor does not a man make.)
You are not cool because you “don’t do drama.” You know who doesn’t “do drama?” Sane people who surround themselves with other sane people who have better things to talk about than each other. Being one sex versus the other does not make you any more or less dramatic. I mean, have you ever had a boyfriend with a head cold? Give those motherfuckers a Daytime Emmy because that dramz is worthy of applause and an acceptance speech that goes long past when the music starts playing. And still, even knowing this, we brag to our male friends about our unique ability to not involve ourselves in cattiness and eye-roll-worthy conversation, despite the unlikely fact of an XX chromosome. I won’t argue that gossip and pointless banter seem to often be most prevalent amongst women, but I would argue that there are plenty a man on earth who bitch to their boys about their roommate’s girlfriend regularly inhabiting their living space rent-free, or who just can’t turn a blind eye to and not gossip about that guy at work who talks really loudly on the phone from 9-to-fucking-5. It’s happening, babe. You just might not be there to witness it. Oh, drama. None of us are immune.
So I guess the takeaway here is ::NEWS FLASH:: No girl appears any cooler in the eyes of any beholder — male or female — by playing herself off as nothing more than one of the guys. And more than that, none of us fall into one category or the other. This is 2016, after all. We can be all things. For instance, today I’m wearing a piece of costume jewelry and tonight I’m going to bowl and drink a ton of beer. Isn’t this world an awesome, understanding, emotionally-freeing place?
Better Off Bare 